Thursday, July 23, 2009

Self Battle

I started my blogs to share and write about the things I know and I do...So what do I know and what do I do? (thats a good question)...I look like I have it all together at times (for me anyway) and I do good at faking it for others..I am good at hiding it all..sometimes it is difficult for even my husband to see but the image always shows a glitz..I know he is worried ...I hate that I cause him concern...cause he truly loves me and only wants the best for me and for me to be happy (he’s a fixer..knight in shining armor type).... this has been phasing in an out for over a year (well also about 9 yrs)..But it reared it’s ugly head since breaking my arm and realizing it was much more than just a break....That is another story to share at another time...

I have a wonderful life! Do not get me wrong this is my fairytale life so why am I depressed and feeling worthless...

Well besides suffering from depression brought on by PTSD and having to battle that constantly and dealing with survivors guilt (which is another story too)...just something else to deal with and try to conquer...I also am not working for the first time since I was 16..I have always had a job...I became a nurse in 1993..That was my saving grace during my failing marriage and my years of trying to find myself and grow up to raise my oldest daughter...(I do not know how she became as wonderful as she is it is truly a miracle)....Now I can’t work, can’t find a job, and am forced to stay at add decreased income....Now do not get me wrong I always thought that was what I wanted to be a SAHM or a WAHM and it may still be but I think I wanted it on my terms...and I do miss the interaction with others...But I think that is who I became and now I am not sure who I am or what I like...So lets add to this that

I turned 40 this year...

So is this a mid-life crisis?
I don’t know but I am taking steps today and try to kick my self out of this....
Yesterday I yelled at my youngest for no reason..the signs of the past are coming I see them so that is an advantage right?

You would think that as a nurse I would know what to do...But that is part of why I can’t get a job...I am a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse and have always been at the bedside...never wanted to leave or climb the management ladder...there are some of us this is what we want to do...But I did get my BSN and even with 16 yrs of experience and a BSN, I either have not enough education or not enough experience...add in my inability to do CPR which is important for bedside nursing due to my injury to my left arm (the first other story)..Jobs are not not get me wrong there are jobs out there but none for me..I have no adult experience, I specialized, so I put my career in a corner doing that. In addition, the area I live in there is only one PICU and children’s hospital. They currently are not hiring and do not have positions open above bedside nursing and there are a few other things....(not going there)

I think a job gave me how do I find that type of structure working from home? What do I do from home to bring in a little extra cash..not looking to get rich just have a few extra bucks.
I do like structure even though if you saw my house and life it would not look like it...
Furthermore, it gave me socialization that I do so love..and because my friends all work in the hospital it is hard to get to see them and not having anything in common when they talk shop I have nothing to add.

So where do I fit in? What can I do? I am no longer the bread winner. How do you get through the adjustment? No, I did not have a CEO or bigwig job but for where I grew up I had a great paying job (job security... it was not factory work) and compared to the Marine Corps pay, I had a great job!

OK I am through with venting today on here and talking to myself (weird quirk I have) ;o)!
I am going to take a shower, shave my legs and see if I feel like a Human after wards.
( I know TMI)
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

PS thanks for letting me vent and reading my vent!

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